By Jessica Bailey

It’s fucking Friday and I want to bitch about the Internet. Specifically, I want to bitch about the way the Internet is ruining music. On a music blog. On the internet. Ooo, I’m so meta.

A lot of breakout artists are using platforms like Facebook, Twitter, and Tumblr to present their music to the world, and that’s exactly what they should be doing if they want to reach people, talk about music, and get people listening. Unfortunately, the sad majority of these fine young cannibals aren’t trying to talk about music. They are trying to create “personas.”

Instead of getting people to listen to their music, they are trying to be provocative and whore themselves out like falling social media starlets in the vain hope of being the next Kreayshawn. No disrespect to Baby Kreay, ‘cuz “Gucci Gucci” was a decently catchy experimental pop song and all, but everything else about her apocalyptic rise to interweb fame was just white noise. Audiophiles were chattering away incessantly about whether she, as a white girl rapper, had anything to offer the game, and whether V-Nasty’s liberal use of “the n-word” would detract from her sister’s relative success. But very few people were doing what they should have been doing: reviewing the damn music.

Now a year later, she’s finally released her debut album Somethin ‘Bout Kreay, (20 Watts review the album here) which has the kind of colorful, cracked-out, bouncy castle fun we’ve come to expect from the accidental artist, thanks to talented producers like Diplo, Free School, Boyz Noize and DJ Two Stacks. The only thing that’s missing on the album is flow, which, as a rapper, she’s expected to provide.

The lyrics she sputters-rather-than-spits are flatter than a preteen’s chest. You pray they’ll develop soon because, well, those beats are good.  But just like puberty, the growth we see here is largely disappointing. “I’m dope / You’re on dope / Get it?” she says on the album’s most lackluster track, “Like It or Love It” (feat. Kid Cudi). Yeah, we get it. We just don’t want to.

And how about that clever rhyme on “K234YSONIXZ,” where she raps, “Diamonds in my blunt that’s how I be blowin’ money / Oops I didn’t read your tweet ‘cuz I was gettin’ money.”? Oh, I see what you did there. You rhymed “money” with… “money.” ‘Cuz that’s how you be gettin’ money, aaayy!! (Where’s my record deal, Columbia?)

Ignore everything you know about Kreayshawn’s Internet persona, and watch this video for her latest single “Go Hard (La.La.La)” off the album Somethin’ ‘Bout Kreay, but close your eyes and imagine that it’s anybody else singing it. Would you still say it’s a good song? It’s comparable to Teen Mom star Farrah Abraham’s ill-fated venture into music, and by venture I mean drunken stumble down a flight of stairs. It’s just that graceless. In fact, if Farrah started wearing snapbacks and using her Twitter more effectively, she could probably pass as Kreayshawn for a while.

But the problem isn’t really Kreayshawn herself. Like it or love it, she did make a name for herself. The problem is that she’s created this giant, gaping, wrinkly black hole in the music industry into which labels are actually throwing money, and it’s shitting back out God knows what into the world. The Internet let the world have Kreayshawn and Lil’ B because we all knew they were one big cosmic joke, and now you’re asking us to take them seriously? As artists?

No. No. NO. Please tell me this is all just a nightmare that’s going to be over soon, and that we’re going to return to a time when you had to play an instrument or have musical talent to be considered a musician. Every time I see a band posting crap on their social media outlets like “suxXxXx M1 D1xX H0z,” a little piece of my heart falls off, gets ground into powder, and shoved up some poor misguided sorority girl’s nose. STOP THE MADNESS!

If you’re going to use social media, post links to your music! Connect with your fans! Make an observation about the world around you! Do something with more thought and purpose behind it than the half-witted pointless noise that these new-age “artists” have created for the sake of being cool on Twitter, as if that’s not a giant contradiction in itself. The irony of it all is lost and laid out in a ditch somewhere where all the old memes and hipster fads go to die. So let it die already, and let’s get back to what really matters: making good fucking music.

Look for Jessica’s column every fucking Friday.