By Jessica Bailey

It’s fucking Friday and I want to bitch about bitches who go to shows just to be bitches. You know those bitches, and no, I don’t mean females. I mean nasty little noise trolls of any form that bark and push and bite their way up to the front of the show, with no consideration for all the other devoted fans that would also like to enjoy the music in what little bubble of personal space they’ve allotted themselves by showing up early. Now, we all know that sometimes you gotta be forceful to get what you want, but honestly, most of the time it’s just not necessary. Just because you’re in a crowd doesn’t give you the right to act like a total douchebag. (Isn’t that what the Internet is for?)

That kind of mob mentality is what usually spreads anger through the crowd like Contagion and ends up ruining all the good vibes that everyone had stored up for the show in the first place. This bad attitude isn’t relegated to certain genres, as show trolls can magically appear in any context, like the social sickness that they are, ready to bulldoze their way through your good time. Sometimes they are short pudgy blonde girls, threatening to snap off a more timid friend’s arm with one hand while they shove people aside with the other. “EXCUSE ME, EXCUSE ME, MOVE, MOVE,” the banshee shrieks as she enjoys yet another unearned privilege. At least in this instance you can share a small moment of bonding over mutual hatred with a stranger who has been equally offended by the troll.

But the worst of all, is the Passive Aggressive Show Troll. This little monster, much like in every other social situation, is the most annoying and also hardest to defeat. It’s like giving the crowd a bad case of fleas. You can’t rid yourself of them easily because they jump around and their presence may go virtually undetected until you feel the itch of anxiety that tells you your autonomy has been violated. I was at a Reel Big Fish concert a few years ago, having waited at the front of the line for two hours with my friends, when one such flea appeared and started to annoy the shit out of us. She and her boyfriend would subtlety pinch us every few minutes so that they could occupy the space in the front that we had rightfully earned. Other tactics include the IMMA DANCE NEAR/ON YOU UNTIL YOU FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE ENOUGH TO MOVE. Sorry, I couldn’t come up with a subtler name for that because it doesn’t require a lot of subtlety to execute.

Over the years, I’ve found that the best way to deal with these potential show ruiners is to stand your ground and ignore them until they go away. Much like the children they are, they will become increasingly agitated by your lack of attention and will soon grow bored of the task. Like all pre-mature minds, they must eventually grow up and learn to be polite to get what they want. Or, god forbid, enjoy just enjoy the show from whatever vantage point they’ve been allotted because A) it’s music. You can hear it from anywhere, anyway, and B) life’s kinda like that, sometimes. Good things come to those who wait (at the front of the line), and even if you show trolls are able to get your way temporarily, just remember that karma, like you, is a real bitch.