Like most of the country, I have tried (and failed) countless times at New Year‘s resolutions, and when the ball dropped in the early morning of January 1st, 2019, I found myself hopelessly distressed. I couldn’t do it again- another try at keto, another try at daily PureBarre classes, another try at- God help me- dry January. I needed a new approach, a revolutionary approach. It was time for me to blossom into the apathetic young twenty-something I was always meant to be, but I was at a loss for how. As I lay in my bed contemplating my new plan of attack, it hit me. The answer to living my best life had been right in front of me all along: Lady GaGa’s debut album, The Fame, is actually just a set of life lessons meant to bring all little monsters to betchy enlightenment. Frantically, I found my rose gold beats and began listening. Take notes because I’m only gonna break this down once:
1. Just Dance: I mean, the title says it all. Literally, just dance and everything will be okay, peachy-keen.
2. LoveGame: Love, like a game of chess or checkers or whatever, should be played with a specific strategy and goals in mind. If you’re not trying to get something out of a relationship, what’s the point?
3. Paparazzi: The only way to get a guy to like you is to become a stalker. You guys really didn’t need me to break this down for you. Next.
4. Poker Face: Never ever reveal anything to anyone about anything ever. Especially not to those you care about.
5. Eh, Eh (Nothing Else I Can Say): Literally just do whatever the fuck you want and don’t take the blame for any of your actions. For example: “Oh, I forgot to invite you to brunch? Looks like I forgot, sry, there’s nothing else I can rly say :/”
6. Beautiful, Dirty, Rich: Even if you’re broke microwaving ramen in your midtown west open double (ahem), you have to remember the things that make life meaningful and worth living: Dom Perignon bottle service and paying for Nobu with someone else’s AmEx.
7. The Fame: Everything you do should be purely for the sake of becoming rich and famous. Want a fulfilling life where you’re successful in your career and surrounded by loved ones? Not the self-help guide for you. Go read Chicken Soup for the Wet Blanket’s Soul and drink some decaffeinated tea.
8. Money Honey: When you’re tired of the aforementioned ramen and apartment, pull yourself together and start making money off vlogs, or weed matcha, or whatever the youth are doing these days.
9. Starstruck: The ideal partner is one that’s relatively famous and/or wealthy. Noticing a trend here?
10. Boys Boys Boys: The more boys you can bag, the better! Go makeout at a Killers concert! Go get a guy to buy you a $15 vodka soda! Also, never forget your Glossier Gen G lipstick in a hookup’s ashtray, because you’ll probably never get it back.
11. Paper Gangsta: TLC said it better than I ever will: no scrubs.
12. Brown Eyes: Of course, there had to be one sappy song. Even baddies have feelings too– sometimes. But when you do sense yourself (god forbid) getting in your feels a little bit, press skip and move tf on.
13. I Like It Rough: When you’re finally ready to settle down with ‘the one’ (I just threw up in my mouth), embrace your inner diva. Lock them out of your bedroom and cry when you don’t get what you want because, after all, you like it rough!
14. Summerboy: If there’s only one takeaway, let it be this, the thesis of the GaGa lifestyle: martinis, meaningless flings, and not giving a shit about anything except parties and being hot.
Now go forth into 2019 and ruin your lives, little monsters!